Thanks to a change in meds, I’ve been having muscle spasms in my neck, headaches, dizziness, weariness. It’s wearing off slowly, but I was flattened for a few days.
By Wednesday, I’d reached the point where it felt better to move than to not move, so I went to the YMCA. I love the Y for many reasons, but among them is that it feels body-friendly, age-friendly, ability-friendly.
Still, I felt inadequate. I managed the elliptical slowly on the lowest setting for about 20 minutes before I gave up. No arm motion -- it hurt too much. A little dizzy each step. Another 20 on the treadmill, also at a painfully slow pace.
The voice in the back of my head told me I looked foolish -- a slightly oversized woman in very oversized sweatpants barely moving. The voice told me I was lazy and unmotivated. That I wasn’t getting a “real” workout. Soft. Weak. I hate that voice. I have to stand outside myself sometimes and imagine that voice speaking to a child I care about. That’ll get the ire going.
Even though I doubt anyone else noticed what I was doing or not doing, I imagined others around me thinking those thoughts.
It’s just as silly of me to imagine what others are thinking of me as it is to look at a person’s size and imagine all their bad habits. If they are thinking those things, but keeping them to themselves, then I guess they’ll have to live with their own negativity. And if they feel the need to share those thoughts, I will have to shield and defend myself as I would do for a child I love.